In a world where nothing makes sense anymore, the rules are made up, and the points don’t matter, dogs are finally taking a stand.
What do they want? All balls to actually be thrown!
When do they want it? Now!
This decree is similar to the chant that has been barking around cities across the nation. From the hollers of Possom Trot, Kentucky to the smallest cracks of Buttzville, New Jersey, and every other never-heard-of town in between, dogs are getting their message to the masses.
“We’re just tired of it, you know? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’m fixin’ to poop in your shoe right before you leave for work, Susan,” said Taco Jones, a disgruntled Chihuahua who attended the protest with his wife, Callie.
Lawsuit Aims To Make Humans Pay For Dogs’ Emotional Pain And Suffering
The movement has gained attention from some of the most prominent names in social activism today. Wembley, Dingleberry, and Dachshund, a law firm out of Los Angeles, has agreed to file a class-action lawsuit with the help of notable public figure, Aaron Barkovich. Their goal is to make humans pay for the emotional pain and suffering caused by balls that go unthrown, unbounced, or otherwise forsaken.
The “Every Throw Matters” movement has brought together puppies and grey-faced dogs from all sides of the dog park. Teacup Yorkies to Irish Wolfhounds agree that change has to be made. At the very least, this issue has united dogs of all breeds and pedigrees, which is a win in itself.
“Enough is enough! I spent eight years on the force so I could retire with my family and enjoy the simple pleasures in life like having a ball tossed in my grass,” said retired K9 Sergeant Winston Kelley-Gross. “I sniffed a lot of perps’ crotches to get here and this is the thanks I get? Look at me! I have a pinched nerve in my neck from the excitement of a false throw. Somebody has to pay.”
A Peaceful Protest With An Appetite For Destruction
As with every protest, there were some disrupters on the scene, like this guy ⬇ who appeared wearing nothing but a donut pillow around his head. You may recognize him from the United States Capitol riots.
“It’s simple. We want all balls thrown the first time. We’ll remain peaceful but if our demands aren’t met then we’ll have to resort to other options – chewing couch cushions, farting in your TikTok videos, maybe humping guests? First of all, TikTok is basic so you’re welcome. Second of all, anything’s possible. I mean, just look at me. I’m a talking dog that’s wearing a donut on national television.”
He declined to provide his name but instead informed us that he’s a sovereign citizen that doesn’t have to abide by the laws of man.
Celebrity Endorsements Help Spread Awareness
The movement has gained momentum with the backing of celebrities and influencers. Musicians David Growl, Nikki Stixx, and the members of Bones, Pugs, and Harmony have joined together to create a GoFundMe to raise money to help with legal fees and medical expenses for false throw victims. Popular influencer Daisy Smith posted this statement on her Instagram while on vacation in Fiji:
“Every Throw Matters is a movement that means a lot to me. While I’ve never actually chased a ball myself, I feel strongly that chasing a ball is a basic canine right. I personally challenge all of our elected dog park leaders and K9s to make a stand for dogmanity – stick chasers, ball chasers, and unashamed attention chasers like myself should be treated with dignity and respect.”
If you’d like to help the Every Throw Matters movement, here’s what you can do:
THROW THE DANG BALL!