Hello, my fellow four-legged friends! Are things weird around your house? They’re super weird around mine, but I can’t quite put my paw on what’s going on. My family keeps talking about corona-something, which is strange because I thought Corona was that thing my dad drinks that makes him happy when he takes off his tasty leather shoes every night. Man, I love those shoes. They’re so smelly and leathery and entirely off-limits, which makes me want them even more. Have mercy, Barnaby! Get it together!
Anyway, from what I can gather, this kind of Corona is making people sick. And apparently, they can’t make it better by eating some grass in the backyard. Humans are weird. I guess they’re probably like us and don’t want to risk getting a thermometer up their butt, so I get why they’re scared.
They’ve all been home A LOT, so I snuck off under the dining room table to chew my elk antler earlier today. Then I got to thinking (as one does when enjoying a good bone), and I was wondering if anyone can relate to what I’m going through. Let me back up a few weeks and start from the beginning.
Here’s What’s Went Down
My family was getting ready for their Spring Break trip a few weeks ago. That cute neighbor girl was supposed to be staying with me. I like her a lot because she sneaks me extra treats, and she does that thing when she scratches my belly and my leg goes crazy. We have an understanding. I don’t tell anyone that she sneaks her boyfriend in, and she doesn’t tell anyone that I get hot dogs. She gets me.
But, then out of nowhere, my dad said they had to cancel their trip! Apparently, Florida floated away or something. Everyone seemed really worried, and they started talking about toilet paper a lot. Again, another issue that could be solved with the grass in the backyard, but I digress. Nobody wants to listen to ‘ol Barnaby.
The kids haven’t gone back to school in like a month, which by my calculations is 2,436 days in dog years. Full disclosure: I am just now learning math, and it’s common core, which absolutely nobody understands anyway, so nobody will know if my calculations are wrong. I can tell mom is stressed. I’ve seen her pouring that brown juice into her coffee every morning for the last two weeks. It’s that stuff in the cabinet above the microwave. She calls it “mommy’s medicine” and tells me not to tell anyone. I don’t tell people about her medicine, and she doesn’t tell people why I really had to wear the cone of shame last Christmas. It’s all about balance.
Mom tells the kids to get on Zoom every morning, which I learned the hard way is NOT the same thing as the zoomies. It was an honest mistake. Mom is holding onto her sanity like Joe Exotic’s eyebrow ring is holding onto his flesh: Barely.
Sardine Oil And Bad Haircuts
With everyone being home so much, I thought I’d make a list of pros and cons.
Pro: More walks.
Con: Too many walks. Three a day is plenty. My sniffer is all sniffed out.
Pro: Homemade treats for me from the kids’ “home ec” class.
Con: They’re no Rachel Ray, and the vet is going to definitely body shame me with that picture chart again.
Pro: People keep me company all day.
Con: No privacy. My stuffed elephant and I have needs.
Pro: We get to watch lots of T.V. together, which means lots of snuggles.
Con: Carole Baskin and her really big cats.
Oh, and another thing. My dad works at the hospital, and my family is really scared for him. They keep saying he is “essential,” and I’m like, “Duh! It took a toilet paper thief and some skunk Corona beer to tell you that?” I knew my dad was essential all along, but again, nobody listens to Barnaby. Dad is the only one who can throw my tennis balls halfway down the street, and it doesn’t really get more essential than that.
I’d post a selfie for you, but my mom cut my hair because the groomer is now illegal. I knew the groomer should have been illegal a long time ago when they put that bow in my hair. But, now I look like I fought a scissor footed chicken and lost. My sister cut her own bangs after watching a YouTube tutorial, and she looks like Macho Man Randy Savage circa 1995, so at least I’m not the only one.
Lend A Helping Paw
Listen. Our humans need us right now. Let them know that no matter how many days they go without changing out of their pajamas, we will still be there for them right by their side. Maybe when this is all over, and they can go do fun things again, they’ll think about us and how it feels to be at home day after day. I see more car rides in our future, fellas! Shotgun!