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If there’s one thing we know about The Golden Girls, it’s that sass, wit, and unapologetic attitude were the glue that held that Miami household together. Now, imagine if dogs had been part of the mix—specifically, dogs with the same level of sass, wit, and confidence. Some breeds naturally come with an attitude, a sense of humor, or a tendency to roll their eyes (figuratively) at anything beneath them. These dogs wouldn’t just survive in the Golden Girls household—they’d thrive, snarking their way through daily antics while still being lovable and hilarious.
Pekingese
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If any breed was born to sip tea (or maybe a piña colada) and throw shade from the comfort of a velvet couch, it’s the Pekingese. This breed carries itself like royalty and isn’t afraid to let you know that you’re beneath them. With their luxurious coats and confident demeanor, they’d fit right in with Blanche’s dramatic monologues and love for the finer things in life. They’d likely spend most of their time perched on the fanciest pillow in the house, looking unimpressed by everyone else’s antics but still chiming in with an occasional well-timed huff.
Chihuahua
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If Sophia had a canine counterpart, it would undoubtedly be a Chihuahua. Tiny but bursting with attitude, this breed has no problem putting bigger dogs—and people—in their place. Like Sophia’s legendary ability to cut through nonsense with a single sentence, a Chihuahua knows how to throw some serious side-eye. Whether they’re sassily barking at the mailman or strutting through the house with more confidence than their size should allow, they’re small but mighty in the snark department.
Scottish Terrier
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Dorothy would absolutely approve of a Scottish Terrier—dry, dignified, and always looking like they’re judging the room. This breed has a refined but no-nonsense attitude, making them the type to silently watch the drama unfold before delivering a perfectly timed sigh of disapproval. Like Dorothy, they can be a little reserved at first, but their loyal and fiercely protective nature comes through once they warm up. And if there were ever a breed that would master the art of sarcastic eyebrow raises, it’s the Scottie.
Poodle
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Elegant, intelligent, and always five steps ahead, the Poodle would be the Blanche of the dog world. They’re stylish, they know they’re stylish, and they expect to be treated accordingly. With a keen ability to learn quickly and a tendency to be just a little dramatic, a Poodle wouldn’t hesitate to turn up their nose at an unworthy suitor (or dog food that isn’t up to their high standards). Whether flaunting their latest haircut or throwing a subtle look of disapproval, Poodles bring the kind of refined sass that belongs in the Golden Girls household.
Shiba Inu
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A Shiba Inu is the ultimate independent spirit with a sarcastic edge. This breed is famous for its signature Shiba scream, a loud, dramatic protest over things they find inconvenient—very reminiscent of Dorothy’s long-suffering groans whenever Sophia cooked up another scheme. Shibas also habitually ignore commands unless they agree with them, which would absolutely fit the Golden Girls dynamic. Their intelligence, aloofness, and sudden bursts of ridiculousness would make them the perfect comedic wildcard in the house.
Dachshund
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Dachshunds are tiny divas with big attitudes. Whether they’re bossing around much larger dogs or burrowing under a pile of blankets with an expression that says, Do not disturb, they know exactly what they want. They’d fit in seamlessly with Blanche’s flair for dramatics, possibly even claiming her bed as theirs. With their mischievous streak and love for a well-timed, judgmental stare, a Dachshund would likely be the first to steal a snack off the coffee table and play innocent when caught.
French Bulldog
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French Bulldogs are masters of comedic timing, much like Rose. Their adorable snorts, dramatic sighs, and occasional stubborn streaks make them natural scene-stealers. They have a way of looking completely clueless one moment and then hitting you with an unexpected burst of wit (or zoomies) the next. A Frenchie lounging on the lanai, looking like they’ve had a long day of putting up with everyone’s nonsense? That’s a whole mood.
Afghan Hound
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Few dogs embody effortless elegance and mystery quite like the Afghan Hound. If Blanche were a dog, she would absolutely be an Afghan Hound—beautiful, glamorous, and fully aware of it. These dogs have a way of entering a room as if they’re about to drop the most scandalous gossip of the century. They may not be the most vocal, but their dramatic hair flips and slow, knowing stares say everything that needs to be said.
Lhasa Apso
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Originally bred to be palace watchdogs in Tibet, the Lhasa Apso has a royal attitude and an innate ability to judge everything around them. Much like Sophia, they’re small but fearless, and they don’t back down from confrontation. A Lhasa would likely spend their days lounging in luxury while keeping an ear out for neighborhood drama, ready to bark their opinions immediately. They may be tiny, but they’ve got the confidence of a dog three times their size.
Boxer
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Boxers have an uncanny ability to be goofy and intimidating, much like Dorothy simultaneously. They have expressive faces that can go from serious to let’s play! in a matter of seconds. Their playful, bouncy nature makes them a source of constant entertainment, and their athleticism means they’re always ready to jump into (or out of) whatever situation unfolds in the house. And just like Dorothy, they can be incredibly loyal, protective, and sweet once they let their guard down.
Miniature Schnauzer
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Miniature Schnauzers are basically little old men in dog form. They have a perpetual air of disapproval and a playful side that sneaks out at just the right moments. With their signature beards and expressive eyebrows, they’d be the first to “harumph” at any nonsense going on in the house. But despite their grumpy exterior, they’re incredibly loyal and always ready to be part of the action. If Sophia had to pick a canine sidekick, a Schnauzer would be at the top of the list.
Thank You For Being A Friend (But Not For Taking My Seat)
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If these snarky, opinionated, and delightfully dramatic breeds were part of the Golden Girls household, things would be even more chaotic (and hilarious). Just like Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, they might bicker and sass each other all day—but deep down, they’d be inseparable. Their perfectly timed reactions, over-the-top personalities, and undeniable charm would make them sitcom gold. Now, if only there were a way to get these dogs together for an actual TV show. They’d probably demand their own trailer and script approval before signing on.
Toledo, United States.
