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11 Hilarious Things Your Dog Would Say If They Could Actually Talk

By: Ejay Camposano
A college graduate with a degree in Electrical Engineering, Ejay has a diverse background that combines technical expertise with a passion for pets and is now one of the content writers at IHD. Read more
| November 20, 2024

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Ever wonder what your dog might say if they could speak? Dogs may not use words, but their actions and expressions tell a story all their own. From their excited tail wags to their curious head tilts, it’s clear they have plenty on their minds. If dogs could verbalize their thoughts, they’d likely share hilarious, heartfelt, and downright quirky insights into their lives with us. Their unspoken dialogue speaks volumes about their unique personalities, unconditional love, and endless zest for life.

Why Don’t We Go For Walks Every Hour?

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Dogs live for walks, and their enthusiasm for leashes is unmatched. If they could talk, they’d probably question why walks aren’t a constant part of the day. They’d have a running list of reasons why sniffing every bush and mailbox is essential to their happiness. To them, a day without multiple adventures outside would feel like a missed opportunity for exploration and joy.

Is That Food For Me? Can I Have It, Please?

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Every meal in your home is your dog’s dream buffet, and they’re never shy about showing their interest. If they could talk, they’d ask about every morsel on your plate. They’d be relentless in their efforts to convince you that sharing your food is the right thing to do. Whether it’s a sandwich or a slice of pizza, they’d argue that it’s meant to be shared with their most loyal companion.

The Mail Carrier Is My Mortal Enemy

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Dogs have a special grudge against mail carriers, and if they could talk, they’d have a lot to say about the daily intrusion. They’d insist that barking at the door is a necessary act of heroism to protect their family from this persistent visitor. To them, every delivery is an attack, and every bark is a victory.

Why Can’t I Chase The Squirrel?

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Squirrels are the ultimate temptation, and your dog’s frustration at not catching them would be a constant source of conversation. They’d argue that every squirrel encounter is a missed opportunity for adventure. Their dedication to chasing these elusive creatures would make them question why you keep holding them back from their greatest challenge.

You’re Sitting In My Spot Again!

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Dogs have a knack for claiming the best spots on the couch or bed, and if you take their chosen place, they’ll call you out. They’d point out how much effort they’ve put into perfecting the comfort level of that specific spot. Their annoyance at having to reclaim their territory would be both dramatic and entertaining.

Why Do You Leave Me? Am I Not Adorable Enough?

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Dogs don’t understand why humans leave the house, and if they could talk, they’d express their heartbreak every time you grab your keys. They’d insist that your presence is essential to their happiness and question why you would ever choose to leave them behind. Their emotional monologue would tug at your heart every time.

Bath Time Is The Worst Thing Ever Invented!

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Most dogs dread bath time, and their complaints would be endless if they could speak. They’d insist that they were perfectly fine with their natural scent of dirt and grass. They’d make a case for skipping bath time altogether, emphasizing how much they prefer the outdoors to the bathtub.

The Vacuum Is A Monster, And You Don’t Even Care!

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The vacuum cleaner is a source of terror for many dogs, and they’d demand to know why you bring such a noisy, scary object into their safe space. They’d describe the vacuum as a monster that must be avoided at all costs. Their dramatic reactions would be a constant topic of discussion in your home.

Why Do You Close The Bathroom Door?

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Dogs don’t understand the concept of privacy, and if they could talk, they’d question why you insist on closing the bathroom door. They’d express concern about being excluded from such an important activity. Their curiosity and need to be involved in everything you do would shine through in their protests.

Can We Play Now? How About Now? Or now?

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Dogs are always ready for playtime, and if they could verbalize their thoughts, they’d constantly ask when the fun is going to start. They’d remind you about the toys they’ve brought over and wonder why you’re not as enthusiastic about playing as they are. Their persistence in seeking attention and entertainment would be relentless.

Why Do You Wear That Weird Thing On Your Head?

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Dogs are naturally curious about everything you do, and your choice of accessories would catch their attention. If you put on a hat or sunglasses, they’d have plenty of questions about why you’re wearing something so unusual. Their curiosity would make every new fashion choice a topic of conversation.

Dogs Would Be Stand-Up Comedians If They Could Talk

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Dogs bring boundless joy, humor, and love into our lives, and imagining their thoughts makes them even more endearing. From their quirky habits to their curious stares, it’s easy to picture them narrating life with comedic brilliance. Their actions, paired with their hilarious perspectives, would turn even the simplest moments into a laugh-out-loud event. So, the next time your dog barks at the vacuum or gives you a goofy grin, remember—they’re more than pets. They’re your comedians, confidants, and daily dose of laughter rolled into one furry package.